Monthly Archives: February 2016

These two products together are hands down my favorite and go to winter time skin care products..especially when I need something heavy duty to help combat dry skin, hands, and cuticles. You can use both of these virtually anywhere on you body and they both help keep my skin soft and can get it back to soft quickly if I have slacked on moisturizing. Bag balm I picked up at my local drugstore and Rose salve is available at bath and body works and online!

These two products together are hands down my favorite and go to winter time skin care products..especially when I need something heavy duty to help combat dry skin, hands, and cuticles. You can use both of these virtually anywhere on you body and they both help keep my skin soft and can get it back to soft quickly if I have slacked on moisturizing. Bag balm I picked up at my local drugstore and Rose salve is available at bath and body works and online!

The post These two products together are hands down my favorite and go to winter time skin care products..especially when I need something heavy duty to help combat dry skin, hands, and cuticles. You can use both of these virtually anywhere on you body and they both help keep my skin soft and can get it back to soft quickly if I have slacked on moisturizing. Bag balm I picked up at my local drugstore and Rose salve is available at bath and body works and online! appeared first on Mrs Jamison904.

A little nighttime treatment for my cuticles. This is my favourite balm to use. It smells amazing if you love rose sentwd things like I do and it is very very versatile. You can use it for your cuticles, lips, virtually any rough spot you may have this will work great! Give it a try! I’m sure you’ll love it too!

A little nighttime treatment for my cuticles. This is my favourite balm to use. It smells amazing if you love rose sentwd things like I do and it is very very versatile. You can use it for your cuticles, lips, virtually any rough spot you may have this will work great! Give it a try! I'm sure you'll love it too!

The post A little nighttime treatment for my cuticles. This is my favourite balm to use. It smells amazing if you love rose sentwd things like I do and it is very very versatile. You can use it for your cuticles, lips, virtually any rough spot you may have this will work great! Give it a try! I'm sure you'll love it too! appeared first on Mrs Jamison904.

So it has been FOREVER since I have done anything nails related because stress/moving/kids/life lol. It literally took me about two hours to get my nails to a presentable state. I have so missed having nice nails andnim finally starting to settle back down and hopefully can become more consistent with my posts going forward. Anyway I was inspired by my tissue box lol. The polish is OPI wooden shoe like to know and I used a Sally Hansen nail art pen for my accent nails. Hope you like it :-)!

So it has been FOREVER since I have done anything nails related because stress/moving/kids/life lol. It literally took me about two hours to get my nails to a presentable state. I have so missed having nice nails andnim finally starting to settle back down and hopefully can become more consistent with my posts going forward. Anyway I was inspired by my tissue box lol. The polish is OPI wooden shoe like to know and I used a Sally Hansen nail art pen for my accent nails. Hope you like it :-)!

The post So it has been FOREVER since I have done anything nails related because stress/moving/kids/life lol. It literally took me about two hours to get my nails to a presentable state. I have so missed having nice nails andnim finally starting to settle back down and hopefully can become more consistent with my posts going forward. Anyway I was inspired by my tissue box lol. The polish is OPI wooden shoe like to know and I used a Sally Hansen nail art pen for my accent nails. Hope you like it :-)! appeared first on Mrs Jamison904.

The Christmas Party

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Long, but really funny…

DATE: October 01, 2015: Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 02, 2015 RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 03, 2015 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table … you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees DATE: October 04, 2015 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay mens table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Fucking Employees DATE: October 05, 2015 RE: The Fucking Holiday Party Vegetarian pricks I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: October 06, 2015 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays

The post The Christmas Party appeared first on The 904.

The Driver’s License Exam

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REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Traffic Camera

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A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it Flash.

Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed the camera.

Again, he saw it flash. He couldn’t believe it! So he turned and, going a snail’s pace, he passed the camera. AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went. Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.

A Week of Personal Training

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For my 50th birthday, my husband purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I’ll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air – then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It’s a whole new life for me.

Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other junk too.

Thursday: Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine – which I sank.

Friday: I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wanna-be bastard. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the &*@*#$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi bastard.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday: Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#&& Weather Channel.

Sunday: I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun – like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

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